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Charles Bastille

Humor, Politics, and Political Satire

Since we can predict what he’ll say, this should be easy

Isn’t it great that the only people who will watch The Predator in Chief’s campaign speech tonight in front of North Carolina Republicans are North Carolina Republicans?

Ooops, he is losing his Pillow! Photo by Sammy Williams on Unsplash

The rest of us don’t need to. We know how the speech will go. It will look something like this:

“Thanks for being here. It’s tremendous. A record-breaking crowd. It’s like the Super Bowl without the communists.”

(loud applause and cheering)

“How many people are here? A hundred thousand? Two? Of course, the left-wing media will send out doctored photos and videos saying only a few thousand are here, or maybe a few…


Restive Souls Shortie

Fiction for a Broken Country

When I went to sleep last night, everything was normal.

When I woke up, everything was different. Everything was Black. But not like, hip hop Black, really.

Just, well, Black. Black culture, everywhere. With lots of Native American culture mixed in. And people referred to Native Americans as First Settlers.

Maybe I should backtrack a little here. Because none of that was apparent to me until I had been awake for several hours.

Photo by Pam Sharpe on Unsplash

When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was. A nice little house but it wasn’t really mine. And yet, I had a sense that it…


Fiction — The MagicLand Chronicles

Welcome to our house, where you choose how to die

“It’s not another pandemic,” says Gareth as he winds a long, loose thread from the sleeve of his flannel shirt tightly around his wrist. This has the effect of creating a wrinkled plaid funnel aimed at his worn, black hand.

“Yeah, yeah,” says Button disbelievingly. That’s all we know about her. Her nickname. She’s wearing a shoulderless vest over a thin white top on a cold Minnesota day. Not much she does or says makes sense to any of us, but we all nod at this. Button’s arms are thick trunks of white steel.

Original image by By eking11 via Shutterstock. Title added by author.

She’s bigger than most men I’ve…


Fiction — The MagicLand Chronicles

Stories of a land of magic abound. But are they real?

The storms this year have been even worse than usual. This means, of course, that survival hinges more on luck than things like skill, or shelter, or even the ability to wage combat with bandits, thieves, and marauders.

It doesn’t help that the Gath relentlessly hunt those of us who are descendants of non-augmenters.

Maybe I’d like to be augmented. But it doesn’t matter. The days when regular humans could be augmented are long gone. Now, augmented humans are grown from scratch.

Eggs from a machine, wired and ready to go, fitted at birth through a combination of genomics and…


Rants

A rant aimed at 21st century (or is it 11th century?) Republicans

Dear wild-eyed, megalomaniacal, science-denying, child-hating, self-lampooning Republicans:

I don’t normally use profanity in my Medium stories. Or anywhere else in my writing, for that matter. In fact, I take great pride in the fact that my debut novel is a profanity-free zone.

But dammit all to hell, stop this shit already.

These people are crazy. Enough already.

Stop the cancel culture hypocrisy

You want cancel culture? Ask Liz Cheney about cancel culture:

Case closed.

As the esteemed anti-Trumpist Caren White has noted about the Cheney fiasco:

Trump has already handpicked her successor, Elise Stefanik, a Republican from upstate New York who until very recently disparaged…


Fiction — The MagicLand Chronicles

He sliced the head clean off the Gath. Why didn’t it grow back?

Eureka Mounds felt his heart race as he ran under the ancient bridge. The bridge was covered in vegetation and vines, but he could see concrete railings that must have been designed to keep Old Earth vehicles from crashing to his current vantage point.

Original image By coka via Shutterstock

The Gath leaped over mounds and fallen trees with ease as Eureka sought shelter. He didn’t see any. The viaduct was nothing more than a break from the relentless sunlight. It offered no sanctuary from the quickly approaching Gath, who ran with the speed of a gazelle.

Eureka was armed with nothing but a long sword…


Humor

Ten reasons why you should be, too

Before the virus hit, jackfruit was one of the new food crazes that any hipster worthy of even the smallest bitcoin mining op was into.

Not me. I’m scared of the things.

Anything you can fit Rudy Giuliani into with room to spare is not something I want sitting around my home. And these days, it’s not paranoia to imagine Rudy pushing that sucker open from the inside, jumping out and, well, doing things.

Unpleasant things.

In fact, if you look at a jackfruit, it looks like an alien pod that might really be filled with a Giuliani larva (technically…


Racism and Equal Rights

The fight by Black Churches against police injustice is the polar opposite of white evangelism in the Bible Belt

Once again, Black America is leading a movement in America, this time led by its clergy.

In North Carolina, it’s Rev. Dr. William J. Barber II in Elizabeth City, North Carolina, leading the charge against an entire police department for shooting yet another young Black man:

This is a trend across America.

It is the very opposite of where white Christianity is headed, at least in the Bible Belt, which is so full of hypocrisy that it could be a long-running comedy show if it didn’t lead to so much anguish and tragedy.

How powerful is the Black clergy movement…


As the vaccines start doing their job, the guns are coming out.

It’s a testament to the power of the coronavirus that it managed to kill more people in a year than guns do. But now that we see some light at the end of the covid tunnel, we suddenly are experiencing the joys of a typical American summer, where some idiot with a high capacity magazine can mow down dozens of us within the span of a minute or two.

Screen shot from my Google News feed

The lead story in my Sunday news feed said:

People in the area are still urged to shelter in place. …


World Politics

There are some places where centralized governments don’t work. Afghanistan is one of them.

The United States knew in 2005 that Afghanistan was a potpourri of ethnic groups. Each had and still has its own distinctive political regime.

And yet, even though the CIA was fully aware of the ethnic composition of Afghanistan, in 2004 the United States decided to try to build a highly centralized government in Kabul.[1]

It’s worth mentioning here that today the Taliban mockingly call President Ashraf Ghani “the Mayor of Kabul,” because even though most of Kabul belongs to the central government, most of the rest of the country does not.

The base map used in this story was…

Charles Bastille

Hyperbole enthusiast and author of the upcoming novel MagicLand. All stories © 2021 by Charles Bastille. Visit https://charles-bastille.com

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