Everyone should know that as fine a writer and observer that the esteemed Ms. Elizabeth is, I am actually the world's greatest writer of progressive politics.

In fact, I invented the word "progressive", and have sued the insurance agency that is attempting to co-opt it for their own nefarious ends.

I am also the first to have discovered that politicians lie. You may think this must make me old, but, in fact, I am only 20 years old.

Despite my youth, I have published 135,987 articles on progressive politics, and have influenced Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and the Kardashians.

When Noam Chomsky wrote his first essay, he came to me for advice. I told him, "Noam, that's brilliant stuff, but Americans will never heed ANY of your advice."