Member-only story
THE LIBERATION OF GREENLAND
BREAKING: Ruminato Interviews Usha Vance, Commander of the Dog Sled Brigade
On the eve of the invasion of Greenland, I had a rare opportunity to interview the field commander of the invasion force
Despite being one of the lowest paid writers on Medium, which I must say is quite a trick these days, I’ve managed to achieve the honor of interviewing the field general for the Greenland Invasion Force (GIF), Usha Vance. Usha will be commanding a brigade of dogs to invade and conquer Greenland. As you can imagine, I had questions.
I need to thank Usha and her husband JD for sitting down with me on a cozy couch at Holt’s Sweet Shop in Valdosta Georgia for this chat.
Most of the interview questions and answers have been changed for national security reasons and potential DEI violations.
The interview
Me: Thank you both for sitting down with me. This is going to do wonders for my neverending quest for new Medium subscribers and readers, and I may even achieve my lifelong dream of becoming an influencer.
Usha: You’re —
JD: You’re quite welcome, Charles. I’ve read a lot of your work. Your pen name alone has put you on more lists than Kash Patel can count.
Me: So, like, two?
JD: Ha, funny, asshole.
Me: Before we start with the questions about the invasion, I’m curious why all the employees ran out the door upon your arrival. Place is empty.
JD: Surrender in advance? Gosh, I dunno what else it might be.
Me: Okay, well, whatever. So my first question, Usha, is an obvious one. Since you’ve never led a military brigade made of humans or dogs, was the choice to give you the Greenland Invasion Force command a DEI hire? And if so, won’t Orange Puff blow a gasket?
Usha: Well…
JD: What Usha is trying to say is that she’s very well qualified for this position, as she has trained our dog Atlas, a powerful German Shepherd, to say the words, “Gulf of America.” I believe this is a first. As for our Great Leader…
